Clown Bondage

remember last weekend when i was way too late to my clown gig?
well, I was just the perfect amount of late, tonight at THE CHAOS CARNIVAL, at New Mountain, just now.

Pretty much nailed it. 

If you've never seen Mista Gag's Clown Bondage Experience, .. you're missing out,... if you like crazy kinky silly sexy clown acts. I believe this is my tenth time doing this act. Performed at six locations, with six different  "victuneers".

nothing feels as good as squeezing 

a whoopie cushion

between my crotch 

and the ass of a hot woman

sometimes I think improv comes close. 

but,.. not really. doesn't really come close at all. 

don't worry, I'll video tape a 'studio version'

of 

MGCBX

Hand Stand Up & The Pint

On Sunday, the eighth day of February, the year being Two Thousand and Fifffteeeen,...

Under the name Artie Pee,

At Slice Of Life Comedy's Open Mic at The Pulp,

I performed eight jokes while in a handstand against the wall, upside down for one minute and fiffffteeeeen seconds.

Don't believe me? I taped it. Watch.

I will aim for fiffffteeeen jokes in a minute and a half, tonight at The Odditorium's Comedy Freakshow Open Mic. Tuesday, I will tape it ay-gayne.

But first, I will attend improv class. Excited about our next show coming up very soon.

And, after, I will practice my top secret rap battle lyrics for Sticky Notes Productions next episode.

See our recently released improvised short, "The Pint". we shot this, improvised, at nine in the morning, at Lexington Avenue Brewery, a few weeks ago.

The Challenges, Risks, and Rewards of Clowning

I had a clown gig, last Saturday night. A private birthday for an adult male. It went better than one of the gigs from Vulgar. But, not as good as the gig at Tim Kazurinsky's house in Shakes The Clown. * I was late. Really, really late. My shit didn't go over very well. The birthday boy acted spoiled and entitled. The girl with the troll hair disappeared before I could even say 'hi'. Didn't get paid. Didn't feel like I deserved to, for being so late. But, fuck. I spent too many hours getting ready. And, riding 5 miles on a bicycle with a trailer with a tire deflating at a medium pace. I stood there, with my dick-in-a-jack-in-a-box for what felt like forever during a drum circle laced singing bowl moment of silence.

Pro's:

+ I 'made whoopie' with a twerking gay boy. (clown gag reference.)
+ I at least got a ride home.
+ Learned I don't really want to do private parties for strangers at all. Of the many kinds of performance I do, I gotta really clown for the love of it. Cuz, the $ isn't worth the time put in. I mean, no one really will want to pay me how much I really think these clown acts are worth.

Con's:

-didn't entertain as many people, as well, or enough, compared to my expectations
-felt like I was unprofessional
-spent a lot of time on something and didn't get paid for it


*to be fair to my overly self critical self,.. that scene sets the bar impossibly high. If you are a fan of clowns, I recommend both of these movies as well as Killer Klowns From Outer Space, It, and The Last Circus.

#adultpartyclown #ashevilleclown #clownfailure #shitballs

A Few Things I Really Like

*our newest FOH employee at Salsa's

*my new studio that is in a big cooler inside of a giant cooler in one of the coolest art warehouses in The River Arts District, The Phil Mechanic building.

*the social component of yoga classes at Go Yoga

*the humor of my yoga instructor tonight

*co-workers that will lend you their shorts for hot yoga

*my lifelong study of the art, business, and performance of comedy

*the way Kevin McDonald says, "Mnyum"

*ROOTS Mango Sriracha hummus

*using lists to breeze through your blog, the child's pose of blog styles

All The Improv In Half The Time, or Rigel's Studio Is Cooler

I had a full day, yesterday. (Like, when do I NOT?)

Covered a shift, mailed child support (I have a 14 yr old daughter that lives in Ohio), started another round of Improv classes with Tom Chalmers at NYS3. Then went straight to Lab Ratz practice. (Another improv troupe I'm in). One thing that resonated in class was, "Want It, Want It, Let It Go.". Which is a pretty good formula, I think. Like, "conflict, conflict, resolution". One of Kevin McDonald's sayings was "surprise and satisfy". I think these two go together and cover a lot. Like, you want to create interesting scenes to watch. Conflict is necessary for that. Agreement within a scene is important. But, without conflict, agreement gets boring. So, hopefully the two main characters of a scene should have conflicting desires. And those conflicts should escalate, and then resolve. A scene of escalation with no resolution can be entertaining. But, resolution often provides the "satisfaction" element of "surprise and satisfy".

Want It, Want It, Let It Go

&

Surprise And Satisfy

In Lab Ratz, we did some fun things. I can't remember the name of the game, but the one where one person leaves the room, and it is decided what "item" they are about to "try to return". They come back in, and try to return an item they don't know what is. The other people in the scene give clues, and the returner has to figure it out. The item I tried to return, was "Saturn's Rings". I had a blast guessing. I feel like I did well, turning each guess into a decent joke. Another thing we did, after playing an ABC game, (when every line has to start with the next letter of the alphabet), is we tried to do the scene backwards. Really good memory building practice. 

After Lab Ratz, I finally made it back to The Comedy Freakshow at The Odditorium. I haven't been back since I got back from Chicago. I feel like my set went well. The Odd crowd is generally much

smarter/more on top of it, than the crowd at The Southern. I was gonna do a thing where I did a hand stand, and do as much of my set upside down as possible. But, when my time got cut from five minutes to four minutes, to conclude the show early to let a karaoke thing start, I cut that from my plan, as I thought setting up the mic upside down would eat up too much of my time. I recommend checking out these two weekly open mics, if you have any interest in stand up comedy.

Finally,.. I just got a studio in The Phil Mechanic Building. I plan on filming comedy videos, an the daily. So, hit me up, and let's make some funny!

I'd go into more details about everything. But, I gotta hustle my way over to Salsa's. I'm managing, today, so come on by and let me entertain you.

Missing Housemate (maybe), Sweater Onesies, and Kevin McDonald superbowl.

I'm a little concerned about my housemate, Kaz McWilliam. I dont have hs phone number. and, thought i had his email. but it was just a craigslist email. Haven't seen him in about two weeks. He probably just flew to the tropics? I dunno. If you know him and know how to get in touch with him, lemme know.

Last night, I had to manage at Salsa's. Cuz, Superbowl. (Kronkberry Margarita). All the other managers care about the footballs. I don't care about the footballs, but I DID want to watch the superbowl with Kevin McDonald. And, I got to. Well,.. the last third, anyway. It was so slow at Salsa's, I was allowed to close at 8:30, and did. Was out of there by nine. Enjoyed The Dirty South Lounge in The Southern for something other than stand up comedy, for once.

After that, I went to a sweater onesie fashion show and auction. The designer also took the Kevin McDonald workshop. And, I just pieced together that she is in fact The Silver Drummer Girl. I missed the first half, with men's onesies. But, she had one not sell. It looked comfy. But if, (most likely when), I get a sweater onesie, I'd like it to be bright colors. So,.. that's probably going to happen.

#kazmcwilliam 

#kevinmcdonaldsuperbowl

#silverdrummergirl

#sweateronesies

#kronkberrymargarita

Kevin McDonald, Goodwill, and an Igloo Abattoir

I did not hustle enough to make it to Yoga. neither today, nor yesterday. aiming to try to get to the 8:30am class was helpful in making me not late for other things, however. So, not a total loss.

Managed to squeeze in a quick "Buck a Pound" "Bins" at "the Goodwill" round with Sherri Bell, looking for stuff for our act in Asheville Vaudeville, February 21st. Got an awesome new prop/travel bag, punk/statue of liberty head thing, and still made it to The Toy Boat by 12:45 or so, in time to guard some trash from blowing away, .. so Kevin McDonald wasn't greeted by a pile of garbage.

 This is my third workshop with Kevin McDonald. The first two were taking improv and turning it into sketch comedy. This one is writing sketch comedy "writer's room" style. I brought in my sketch "Techy Techy Tech Tech". I need to rewrite it,.. right now,...

Tomfoolery & The Shenanigans' second time doing a monthly slot at The Carolina was pretty much right after the first day of the Kevin McDonald workshop. So, Ryan Hand and I were pretty warmed up, comedically, by showtime. The show felt rockier, rougher than or first show. Maybe I am being too self critical. But, man,.. improv seems hard. I think practicing once a week or even twice a week and performing once a month, isn't nearly enough. I wanna practice once a week and perform five times a week.

I really do need to work on my re-write for the workshop. The sketch is about status change. And, I need to figure out how to hone in on that transformation emphasis.

I wanna practice ten times a week, & perform twenty times a week

I haven't explained The Igloo Abattoir, yet. When Tomfoolery and The Shenanigans came up with the setlist for the second show, we started practicing the show, in show order. Ryan, Mike, and I have been doing "All The Fun In Half The Time". In practice, we find that the quicker we take action in a scene, the better it becomes. Only, we've made a habit of equating action with violence. The scenes work pretty consistently, since we realized how important action is in this game.
What started as a simple igloo quickly turned into an Icy Abattoir with razor blades on spring loaded doors.

I wanna perform three shows a night five nights a week 

and five shows on Saturday, black on Sunday

If my lovely scene partner reads this,.. I <3 you. 1stLineLastLine Friends Forever. However, tonight taught me an important lesson. Which I am going to dub, "Rigel's 7th rule of Improv Etiquitte":

DONT ROOFIE YOURSELF

or in any other way render yourself useless

Maybe I only want to perform five to seven times a week...

But for real, though. I have to work on my rewrite.

Come see the show tomorrow,

Saturday 1/31/15

@ The Toy Boat

8pm

Expired Coupon Time Machine

You know how there's computers that can process info at mind blowing speeds? And there's also chromebooks?

Imagine, if you will, a point in history where time machines had just been released to early adopters. Already, the marketing and development divisions were perfecting a much simpler time machine that only makes expired coupons redeemable.

But, the loophole, is that you can get products unavailable in your time. I could get a Thanksgiving Every Day from Pineapple Jack's, if I had a coupon for one and this limited-type of time travel. My friend might have a fuel collection. Maybe she wants some pre-unleaded extra-heavy leaded fuel sold by an Esso Blue in 1962.

The year is 2015. We have jet packs and hover boards. We have solar powered flying cars (almost, right,...?). We have robotic limbs,

our Navy's Got Lasers, 

we've pwn'd 

Clones and Drones

But I can't get a hot dog with chili inside, 

or big league chew without phenylalanine!

Sure, you might buy gold at insanely low prices, antiques that would be priceless today, or items of clothing you lost along the way that you'd love to have again. One time, Amazing Savings had this caramel beverage. I've never seen it again. I'm getting all they had, every time I go back. 

Bojangle's doesn't even sell cinnamon biscuits anymore. Did you know this?

Lasers can fix eyes, play cds, perform vasectomies, destroy ships. Rockets can destroy buildings, propel spaceships out of the atmosphere, achieve land speed records. But that doesn't help my brother get his beloved Boo Berry Breakfast Cereal when it was good.

Stand Up, Improv, Fight Fight Fight!

There are basically two forms for stand up. Jokes and Stories. Jokes can tell stories and stories can tell jokes. But, basically, they are different. I have been "telling jokes" for the majority of my stage time. I'm starting to work on my storytelling stand up chops.

I'll be giving it a go, tonight at Asheville Disclaimer's open mic at The Southern. 

But, before that, I've got improv practice with Tomfoolery & The Shenanigans. There are so many things to remember in order to be a good scene partner. Improv is unlike a lot of other things, in that to be good at it, means you make other people look good. If you make your self look good but not your scene partners, you are not doing good improv. You are doing selfish improv.

We'll be performing at The Carolina Cinemas, on Hendersonville Rd, Friday 1/30/15 at 8pm

After the stand up, tonight, I'll be looking and and editing some sketch comedy I wrote in writing class at Second City. I'll be bringing them in, to a workshop with Kevin McDonald, this weekend. This will be my third time making comedy magic with one of my idols from Kids In The Hall.

I will be performing with Kevin McDonald, at The Toy Boat, Saturday 1/31/15 at 8pm

I bet you're thinking,... this guys just plugging his shows.

well,.. guess what,.. I'm fucking hustling okay? maybe I'll have more time to post more detailed and relevant information tomorrow.

I 

Rap Battle Wizards, Unintentional Bike Tricks, and Duty Relief.

This morning, I forgot my helmet on my way to Sticky Notes' Productions taping of our own Harry Potter Epic Rap Battle. #stickynotesproductions #harrypotterepicrapbattle #rigelpawlak #kellicaymancozlin #chasemcneill #allenlaw. I all I can say for now, is that I play 

Lupin

On the way home, my bright orange hat with built in lights blew off. (helmet locks it in place)
I tried to grab it. Missed. Tried to hit the brakes fast enough to go back in time for .05 seconds, fast enough to catch the hat behind me still in the air. The bike stops completely. I jump over the handlebars, land on my feet, somehow i'm still holding the handlebars of the bike, I swing the bicycle around like we're dancing. It was a fucking badass trick, I totally did accidentally.

Remus Lupin

I have been interning for NYS3, an acting school in Woodfin. I think the first segment worked out okay. But, for a variety of reasons, I won't be the guy for the second segment of this particular project task, signing people up for WNCOneSource.com. That works out. I've got a lot going on. Fucking hustling all the comedy. Do you even comedy, brah? I totes comedy. All your hustle are belong to me. I totes comedy, but not McGoats. Er,.. Mah,... Gerrrd. I comedy like a fiend.

#comedyfiend

#remuslupin

#theashevillekid

#theashevillehustle

#rigelisacomedyfiend

#nys3

Lifestyle Choices, Sun Gods, and a French Accent.

sometimes LIMITATIONS can be LIBERATING

I get it. You need your job. You need your car. You need your coffee in the morning.
I am here, today, to tell you, "sure,.. maybe. maybe you do. and, maybe you don't".

A year ago, I had a car, my own private bedroom in a house where none of my parents live, and a mission. The mission isn't important right now. What's important is that I got rid of my car, had my mom move into the house that I own, moved out, and moved back in. But, when I moved back  in, I moved into the living room. All three of my bedrooms have tenants. I overextended myself, financially, with a back-up plan. The back-up plan was to move into my living room, if things in Chicago didn't work out. I Should always treat my back up plan as if it were my Plan A.

Point is... I have been bicycling as my main source of transportation since November.
I'd like to ask you some questions.

1. What percent of your expense budget goes to commute/transportation/travel?
2. How does that equate to the time it took you to earn the money for that part of your budget?
3. Do you drive to the gym?
4. Do you drive to mountain biking spots?
5. Do you take yoga class? If so, do you live within walking or bicycling distance from where you take classes?
6. Do you ever get overwhelmed by your options?

So, If it is possible to live in a place where you can access everything important to you by walking or bicycling, would you like to do that?

It's possible you could get a job that is closer to you, even if it pays less... Cuz maybe getting rid of your car and the related costs of maintaining that car would equal out that pay cut? And, maybe the time it takes you to get to work is about the same, because even though the bicycle is slower, you're now closer. And guess what,.. you will never have to ride the exercise bike again.

What if the fact that you can't go as many places, might be better for you? What if there was plenty for you to do within a five mile radius? So much, in fact, that you didn't even feel like going farther than you could bicycle, because there was enough to do, nearby?

I'm just trying to provide some perspective.

I think some humans wanted to believe that the Sun is our God. And, still, maybe it is. Does anyone know from where our primordial ooze came? Sun day. Day of worship. Worship the Son? Worship the Sun? No? YOU explain that shit, to ME, then.

My improv troupe, Tomfoolery & The Shenanigans, is performing this Friday night 01/30/15 at The Carolina Cinemas, Asheville NC, at 8pm.

I get to do this thing, at the beginning. I hope you can check it out. I feel pretty good about where we are as a troupe getting ready to do our second show. And, I did the best French accent I've ever done tonight, at practice. Dipping a paintbrush in an artists's open wound reminds me that anything can be done in improv, anything can be funny. Doing it is the important part. Don't wait for it. Do it. Wait, don't do it. Just OVER Do it.

Yeah, I rode my bike in the rain today. Yeah, I rode my bike in the snow. Yeah, I ride 'bout ten miles a day on the ave. Yeah, I dropped my phone on riverside drive and lost the 516mb microSD memory card, so if you happen to find it, please let me know.

Okay, I gotta go hustle some more. Gotta work on my part of Sticky Notes Productions of an Epic Harry Potter Rap Battle. btw, here's a trailer for a short comedy video I'm in. Short video to be released tomorrow. (01/27/2015)

The Asheville Kid 

says

Gotta Keep Hustlin'

#JustOverDoIt #bikelife #sungod #improv #improvasheville #tomfoolery&theshenanigans #bloodpaint #stickynotesproductions

Yoga, Breath, and The Folly of Subjective Reality

Today, at yoga class. (this already feels like.. this one time, at band camp)...

Today, at yoga class:

1. I am reminded of my theory that our subjective reality is a perfect balance of fate and free will. It all stems from the source of life, breath. The theory (hypothesis, if you want to get literal/technical) is that all of the thoughts you have come from the oxygen you take in. At a mystical sub-atomic/cosmic level, information is sent to you from God/Allah/Jehovah/Infinity/Goddess/-insert your belief system's higher power or if you are Atheist, use the word Science, instead. The oxygen has information for your brain, but, how you breathe determines what info you get b/c if you breathe deeply your brain gets more oxygen. People think that just b/c we can breath w/o thinking about it, that's it is automatic and we shouldn't bother thinking about it. But you wouldn't feel the same about peeing and pooing, would you?Breathing doesn't happen b/c your lungs expand. Your lungs expand as you move your muscles away from the lungs, creating a vacuum for the lungs to fill. And, you don't exhale by constricting your lungs, themselves. Its the muscles, again, that force the lungs to exhale.

So, you control the fate that controls you.

2. My life is too like Curb Your Enthusiasm. (I don't like this show, or any show/movie based on a premise of miscommunication/misunderstanding. I could never get past a half hour of Anger Management.) I realized, recently, that this is b/c I, myself, suffer from these dramas. I really need to be able to laugh at these experiences. Here's the story of the day. After class, someone took a yoga bag for sale off of the top shelf to look at it. She put it back, backwards, turned around, and it fell. She didn't realize. So, I put it back up (not realizing it was backwards). I stood there as it fell again. I kept attempting to balance it up there before realizing it was backwards. I turned it around and it seemed to stay put. The instructor noticed me putting the bag back up the last time only, and must have thought I was interested in the bag. He tried to upsell me to a bigger bag, touting its capacity. He said, like, "you know when you go on a road trip and you bring more back with you than you brought?". (I rarely go on road trips, don't own a car anymore, have no plans on going on any road trips in the future.). I shake my head no. He's like "you don't buy gifts?". (No I don't buy gifts.)

I say I send postcards. He reacted as if he was surprised that postcards still exist. The whole experience made me feel, not quite "personally" alienated, but, like alienated on behalf of people generally too poor to go on road trips and buy gifts for people. I'm spending money on unlimited yoga and bought a new "good" mat. But, I wonder if he's noticed my $35 bicycle with duct tape outside. Poor people need yoga, too. 

I have a new fantasy, 

where Obama instead of forcing us

to purchase health insurance

instead forced us 

ALL TO DO YOGA

3. I realize how badly I need to work on my high to low plank.

NAMASTE, BUTCHES

#yoga, #ashevilleyoga, #ashevillehustle

Hustling My First Film Festival

Asheville's Disclaimer's Short Comedy Film Festival is tonight. In about an hour. I have a cameo in Toni Sherwood's sketch "High Regard". Despite having such a small, non-speaking role, I expect to sweep the awards.

See ya there!

Time to fucking Hustle

     It's a rainy Friday morning. I'm going to ride my bike to work. Double shift, b/c Carlos has to work for Johnny at Bomba, b/c Johnny has a tooth issue.

Have you, my reader, ever been to Salsa's Mexican Caribbean Restaurant?

Have you, my reader, ever been waited on, by me?

If so, you have likely seen "The Plate Trick".

The Plate Trick is a little action, but a big deal. It takes just a few seconds, but the mindblown feeling it can induce can last a lifetime. It shows I want to make a memorable experience. That waiting tables can be fun and inventive. That ANY job can be creative. That anyone can be passionate about their position in life, no matter how menial the task at hand.

So today, I hustle at 6 Patton Ave. For twelve or thirteen hours.
Today, I hustle slow roasted pork.
Today, I hustle rosemary limeades and circus tricks.
Today, I hustle foodies from near and far.

I've been working at Salsa's since 1999. And, have been doing The Plate Trick at LEAST 10 of those 15+ years. I certainly don't mind the job itself.
There's one big thing that's bugging me, though:

I make $$$ from tips. But, get paid $2.13/hour. (in general) I don't get a paycheck. The money from the paycheck is all kept as tax withholding. However that withholding from the paychecks never comes close to pay the taxes I owe. I know I should be better at saving. I know, it's not that I'm making poverty wage. I make slightly above poverty wage. It's that I feel like my employer values me so little. I think I'm valued, at some emotional level. But, that emotional value doesn't halp me pay taxes.

So, I'm going to ask for a raise.I'm going to have to develop a detailed negotiation strategy based on how extraordinarily "value-added" my entire being is.

There will be resistance, as .. If I get a raise, won't other servers want raises? But, the way I feel is, do they really deserve it? Why do people think they are entitled to raises by simply doing what they are required to do for their job for a length of time? Anyway..

I feel like I am worth more than $2.13/hour.

I bet $2.13 that the next minimum wage increase to affect NC, won't affect the $2.13 server minimum wage.

Time to fucking hustle...

The Asheville Kid

I have many names. Many roles, personas, characters. 
My legal name is Rigel Tim Pawlak. The initals create my current stage name "Artie Pee". 
I wait tables, clown, do stand up, improv, sketch, puppets, burlesque, and other performance acts. I have an inactive real estate license and a foreskin. I own a house. It's a three bedroom. I live in the living room and rent the three bedrooms out. I ride a bicycle. It has tie dye duct tape on it, and blue taillights. 

I have come up with a new persona, one that will finally topple Sister Bad Habit from her throne of Asheville's Most Colorful Character. The Syndrome to Asheville's Incredibles.

With the debut of this blog, comes the debut of Asheville's Newest Hero,

THE ASHEVILLE KID